Epiphanies

I am baffled—perhaps in disbelief. In eighteen days I will be leaving Canada and heading off to South Korea. My comprehension of the weight of the impending move isn’t any more solidified than it was three months ago. I have been seriously questioning what I want out of life—it’s difficult to procure a goal that doesn’t have a definition. I know what I want, I just don't know what I want most. And I have been searching everywhere for an epiphany. Recently I’ve had fleeting moments where I thought I could see the path I would like to walk, but any type of realization I have found is fleeting. Epiphanies, epiphanies, the number of 3:00am epiphanies I’ve had that have faded by morning is uncanny. I had one yesterday, when I came to the realization that the path I wish to walk it different than the path I should walk, and that to find happiness that disparity has to remedied. We all have an ideal self whom we would like to be. But we will never be that person, and the sooner we are disillusioned the sooner we can move past the ideology of ever searching for perfection which does not exist.

     Dissevering reality from fiction is an ability I’m lacking. I recently finished a manuscript—novel—that I was working on which is a roman à clef of my life over the past three years. The façade of fiction is so thinly veiled I tend to forget what actually happened from wishful thoughts.

My brain is cluttered; I feel like I need to spend time trying to determine what I need to do to reach my goals and what bad habits I need to rid myself of. The closer I get to Korea the more ensnared I become in the viewpoint that trying to dive into a normal life with a white picket fence and suburbia will not lead to the ultimate happiness. I think I made right decision taking time off before continuing on in school—I feel like if I went straight into grad school I would be diving more definitely into reality, which is such a bore. We all have dreams, but they often remain fantastic images in our head. I know what I want to accomplish, and what my goals in life are, but I am afraid that I may be chasing rainbows. Because not only are my dreams arbitrary they are actually counterproductive to one another. I spend too much time worrying that I’m not working hard enough or I’m not focused enough. I am hoping that by leaving all the distractions behind, in Canada, I will regain mental clarity.  So I seek Korea, which has become more than a country but rather a promise of mental salvation, which I hope exists. I am both excited and apprehensive of what may lie on the other side but either way I am excited of the break I will receive. It will be nice to be removed from normal life, for at least a little while

I would like to spend the next three weeks saying goodbye to as many people as possible; I’m not certain if I will ever return to Halifax, and even if I do it may be years. The track season is over which means the rest of my time in Canada should be relaxing. Everybody has a story, and I would like to hear as many as them as possible.